Meraki

I finally took down the bags surrounding my cast.

Before.

It feels like I’m a kid again, standing humiliated in a playground. It’s like I can hear every name, every bad word taunting me again, and that’s what’s stopping me taking down the bags. I’m scared, and I’m so angry at myself for not being strong enough to be brave.I’m trying to get over my worries and stop them from ruining my work, and it upsets me so much that I’m not strong enough to do it. 

Just after

I want to be brave about this. I want the strength to look at it and feel anything but shame.
I don’t want to be scared anymore. But all I want to do is walk back in there and pull the whole thing down. I want to rip it apart and bury the pieces so that no one can see it.
I want to be proud of it, but pride is something I’ve never really felt before, and that scares me too.

And another :)

What I do find problematic is most of their solutions. First, they recommend “mandatory body-image and self-esteem lessons for children at primary and secondary schools”. One thing the report curiously doesn’t mention is the reason why five-year-olds are fixated with their weight: it is because of the high-risk, catastrophising way they’re taught about nutrition. My son and his friends are constantly worrying about sugar, how it makes you fat, how you can find it even in places you don’t expect: there is absolutely no nuance to their understanding of nutritional good and evil – in part because they’re five, and in part because these are the demands of the curriculum. Presenting kids with these stark risk-scenarios about things they don’t control gives them anxieties they’re not old enough to process or evaluate. The suggestion of “self-esteem lessons” – let’s teach you how to ignore all the anxiety we’ve just planted – is absurd. We should just stop transferring adult responsibilities to kids, stop flogging off their playing fields, and wait 10 years; see how that works out.

And then of course we move on to that grand culprit, the media – its “unrealistic” imagery, its airbrushing, its size zero models, its lack of authenticity. I’m not averse to bringing pressure to bear on magazines on matters of diversity – if, from the pages of a glossy, an alien might assume that beautiful people who were black or Asian didn’t exist, then that is a false impression in which reality has been perverted by racism. However, it’s quite a different thing to demand that their images authentically reflect what the average human looks like when the whole purpose of magazines is to present ideals.

Models may not set “realistic” standards: we stare at them because they’re extraordinary. It is one of many galling parts of growing up to realise that not everybody will be beautiful. This is not to say that the media hasn’t changed, and doesn’t have an effect, but it is a much more complicated one than just holding up pictures of thin, beautiful people, with the effect that we all feel fat and ugly. The American journalist Lisa Bloom, in How to Stay Smart in a Dumbed Down World, essayed the idea of “mirroring” – that celebrities are narcissists, and we mirror both the practices (plastic surgery) and the impact (neurotic self-examination) of their narcissism.

But I’m not attacking celebrities – far from it, it is very hard to be scrutinised the way they are and not become narcissistic – so the more we scrutinise them, the more narcissistic they become, the more we mirror their narcissism, the less restraint we show in our scrutiny. It’s an ever-decreasing circle, or what economist Paul Krugman would call a “death spiral”, which won’t be complete until absolutely everybody hates themselves. I’m not sure how you arrest it, but I can tell you for no money that it’s not with a Dove campaign.

This body image question never goes beneath the surface – so, if children are worried, tell them not to be worried; don’t ask why they started worrying or, indeed, if they have anything to worry about. If young women feel under pressure from magazines, reprimand the magazines – don’t ask why this pressure is suddenly so unbearable, when physical perfection has always been the preserve of the few. It’s all very cosmetic. If this report were a person, it would be worrying about its cellulite. It should be worrying more about its IQ.

An interesting article in the Guardian regarding body image

Girls as young as five now routinely worry about their weight and appearance while more than half the entire UK population is grappling with mental and physical problems relating to negative body image,according to a parliamentary report published on Wednesday.

The pressure to achieve an unrealistic “body ideal” is now an underlying cause of serious health and relationship problems, according to a study from the all-party parliamentary group on body image. This pressure is “damaging society” by wreaking havoc with self-esteem and affecting progress at school and work.

The issue is no longer determined by gender, with body image now a major concern for boys and men as well as girls and women, the report concludes. Half of girls and a third of boys aged 14 have been on a diet to change their body shape, the document said, with youngsters exhibiting their parents’ own anxieties.

The 80-page report was drawn up by MPs and Central YMCA, the world’s biggest young people’s charity, after a three-month public inquiry during which hundreds of witnesses made submissions.

It concludes that a toxic combination of the media, advertising and celebrity culture account for almost three-quarters of the influence on body image in society, yet the “body ideal” typically presented was estimated to be not physically achievable by nearly 95% of the population.

Among its recommendations being put to government, regulators, voluntary organisations and the private sector, are for the “inaccurate” and discredited body mass index – the standard measure used by physicians and health experts to determine weight status (underweight, overweight or within a healthy range) – to be reviewed with a view to being replaced.

The report also calls for better support for new mothers and school pupils, and a vow from advertisers to reflect “consumer desire for authenticity and diversity” rather than to use digitally-enhanced images and thin models.

Cosmetic surgery rates have risen by nearly 20% since 2008, “fuelled by advertising and irresponsible marketing ploys”, the group said. It called for tougher regulation of cosmetic surgery advertising, including a stand-alone code along the lines of the one in place for alcohol. It also advocates an independent patient group which would give impartial information, advice and support on body enhancements, including cosmetic surgery, skin whitening, supplements and steroids.

Central YMCA will use the report’s recommendations in a national campaign, to be launched in the autumn in partnership with several other organisations. It wants a kitemark to be awarded to socially responsible businesses taking action to tackle negative body image.

Liberal Democrat MP Jo Swinson, chair of the group, said: “Body image dissatisfaction in the UK has reached an all-time high and the pressure to conform to an unattainable body ideal is wreaking havoc on the self esteem of many people.”

Rosi Prescott of Central YMCA said: “It’s clear there’s something seriously wrong in society when children as a young as five are worrying about their appearance, based on the messages they are seeing all around them.

“The findings of the report are shocking – body image has become more important in our culture than health and children are mimicking their parents’ concerns about appearance.

“We all have a responsibility to act now to bring about the attitudinal and behavioural change that’s necessary to prevent damage to future generations and that is why we are urging the public to give us their views to help shape the campaign we will be launching this autumn.”

The report warns of weight problems spiralling out of control as “people who are overweight or obese were seen to be stigmatised and this was associated with a decreased likelihood of engaging in healthy behaviour such as exercise”.

The inquiry was mired in controversy early on when women who claimed to have been failed by weight loss programmes sold by diet companies staged a protest outside the House of Commons to accuse the industry of “wreaking havoc with appetites and lives while it builds huge profits”. It was organised by lobby group Endangered Bodies, which wants all body shapes to be considered acceptable.

On Tuesday night the British Association of Aesthetic Plastic Surgeons(BAAPS) said it backed the recommendation that a separate code be drawn up governing cosmetic surgery advertising. It has called for an outright ban on such ads in public places including billboards and public transport. The BAAPS also announced it is funding long-term research into psychological assessment of patients.

What I’m hoping today will bring.

This morning was spent focusing on getting all my images of the installation so far into my sketchbook, and ready to be wrote about, which I plan to do throughout the next week.
After lunch, and when help is available, I’m planning to put the head onto the cast of my body and hopefully, get all fabric attached inside (or at the very least work out the best way to do it).

Overall, my project is still going brilliantly. I’ve had no major set backs, and things are going according to plan.
All I hope now is that the last 2 major parts work out right, and don’t have too many problems while assembling them, as this would set me back in the final 2 weeks of the course, when I have some extra bits and pieces I need to do regarding the final show.
One thing I really need to start getting on top of is the lighting. I’m planning to use 2 spot lights at the front of my installation to light the entire space. However, I need to properly look into the type of lightings that are available and also within my price range.
The curtain is something I need to think about too, but like I posted yesterday, this can be a last minute decision based on the piece as a whole. So I’m leaving that till everything else is done to decided what to do. 

Changes I’m considering making to the final installation

• Contemplating not using a curtain at the entrance of my space anymore, at least not one that you have to step through into the space. 
  After the textile piece being put up, both teachers and myself thought that the space might be too small to block off completely. 
  I’m still toying with the ideas, but won’t know for sure what would work best until every thing is in place towards the final weeks.
• Slight changes to the fabric piece might be made, including adding a few white/blue fabric pieces being suspended with the main section to create the feeling of an explosion more than the piece already does. 
  I’m also considering cutting a few sections away from the edges, again to add that explosion element to the installation, because at the minute the piece looks to uniformed and neat, which isn’t the feel I wanted.

 These are things I can play around with after all the main stages are in place.

It’s been quite exciting today to finally see two of the sections coming together, as before I was viewing them as seperate pieces. 
That idea I had in my head for so long has all of a sudden become a psychical piece of work, and it’s kind of weird. 

All in all it’s been a brilliant day for me.
I’m in a good mood, and feeling very positive about my project as a whole. I’m trying not to focus too much on the problems that might occur in the final weeks, and more on making the most of my final 4 weeks as a foundation student, and getting the best grade I can.
Like I said yesterday, positive thinking always helps in these situations, and this time it’s really payed off! :)
 

Todays productivity!

Todays mainly been spent on getting my etched metal work finished, producing mockups of my warning signs, working on my documentation and planning all the last little bits for the final show.
It’s all finally coming together.
All of the work left to do now is mostly the installation of the piece, with only 2 metal etchings and a few strips of fabric on the textiles piece left to do.

The main thing I’m focusing on tomorrow is getting the fabric piece up.
So, I’m going to have to talk to Jan about how this can be hung from the hooks that are already in place on the ceiling. 
The most probable way is to use eyelets and suspended the piece from the hooks using those, but I’m going to have to look into the cost and how well the piece will hold up during the show before I make the decision.

The next main stage is too work on the barbed wire piece, which I will have to talk to Kay about, and arrange a date/time that we can both work on it.
The test piece I did of this during unit 7 took around an hour and a half, but now with the added complication of the cast being in place, we need to think carefully about how this will be put up and the problems that might arise if we don’t manage to install it correctly. 

There’s also my head cast to think of, that is still absent from the body cast.
I’ve decided to extent the sides of the cast a little, which will mean cutting out the need of creating the back of the head cast. Doing this will also mean that it’s easier to fix any problems with the fabric being attached into the cast, as I won’t have to worry about the whole thing being inclosed with the mod rock.
I’m pretty confident about this stage, though others are being skeptical about the result of it. I’ve had enough practice to know how to attach the cast pieces together, to be able to fix and work around any problems that might crop up during this stage.
The only thing I’m slightly nervous about is working in my space now that my cast in there. So I’m going to have to take extra care when putting up the others pieces, as there won’t be enough time to remake a part of the cast if something goes wrong and the cast gets damaged.

But anyway, I’m pretty sure it’s all going to come together well.
Positive thinking always seems to be bonus when it comes to things like this, so I’m doing a lot of meditating in my free time to keep me calm.

now stop rambling on kate, and get back to work!! :) 

A list of everything that needs doing from now till final show night.

• Clean space floor- Must be done before barbed wire is hung.
• Preliminary invites/posters!- Mock up designs by friday.
• Finish metal etchings-Hopefully finished by friday, depending on the etching tool. 
• Add head onto cast- Must be done after textile piece, but before barbed wire is suspended. Will take around 1/2 hour.
• Add more blue fabric and hang up textile piece. Must get finished in first week back after half term!
• Hang up barbed wire and attach all metal strips. Must get finished in first week back after half term!
• Get lighting sorted in space. Talk to sarah/jan about possible lighting to use.
• Hang up more black out material on space wall to ceiling.Do this week!
• Warning sign for front of space. Use of barbed wire, must not touch, children must not be left alone in the space, do not cross over the red tape.
• Red warning tapein space. On floor, must not cross.
• Get black curtain put up for front of space. Hang from walls by thick netting wire.
• Description of piece and photos. Can be done whenever there is time.
• DOCUMENTATION must carry on documenting and photographing all work.

I know this looks like alot.
But trust me, it’s not. Alot of it is just tieing off loose ends, dotting the i’s and crossing the t’s so to speak.

Today, I’m spending the morning getting all the bits I can do at home sorted out. For example, looking at the warning signs for my space, and sorting out the writing on the posters/invites.
Then, I’m going into college later, and will be sorting out the metal etchings and the textile piece.

Internal turmoil.

a slightly more personal post.

It’s about 4 weeks till the final show, and as of yet, my cast is yet to be revealed.
It’s still stood up in my space, but the majority is wrapped in black bin liners :S

It’s worrying me that I took on a project like this now. I’m so frightened to have people look at my cast, and essentially my body, that I feel sick at the very thought of it.
All I keep thinking is what if people laugh, what if I actually can’t manage people seeing it, and my whole project is ruined?

I suppose it’s one thing I need to get over to make this project a success.
And I guess the point of the whole thing is for people to understand how closely linked body image/body negativity and mental illness actually are.